This past year (and really, the past year and a half) has been filled with such a mix of things. I wouldn’t call myself a planner – it’s not that I need every step in between before I do anything- but there is a huge part of me that anticipates. I imagine each phase of life, each moment, and when it doesn’t go exactly as planned, it takes me a long time to adjust to reality.
Like I wrote in the About section, this blog has been about looking at blessings and what they mean. There are times when I feel so overwhelmed by God’s goodness and His gifts that I look at my life and think wow. But then – and sometimes even on the same day – I am equally overwhelmed by the things that are less than perfect. By the hurt I’ve experienced. By the disappointments I’ve faced and/or brought upon myself.
What does it mean when things don’t work out?
What does God want me to learn from all this?
Is it really a scale? Because sometimes, when a good thing happens, I think shoot, what bad thing is just around the corner?
This is not the way we are called to live.
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I was reading through my journal from last year. It was a hard journal and a hard year. It was filled with confusion, anger, sadness. It’s not fun when someone you thought you knew ends up being a different color after all, a different person from the one you trust. Graduation loomed, and despite all the freedom and newness and excitement that could bring, I was scared.
In the midst of all this, I made a list. It’s what I do.
I listed all the blessings God had given me over the year. It was long. It was diverse.
But what struck me most was the amount of people.
Family. My mother who never tells me she’s too busy. My father who, in his quiet and roundabout way, lets me know that he understands my pain. My brothers and sister who have seen each twist and turn I’ve made as I’ve tried to grow into the woman I was created to be.
Friends. Almost my whole life, I have felt a lack of kindred spirits. There were a few growing up, definitely. Good, fun friends who shaped me. But that didn’t change the fact that I always felt different. It wasn’t until the past few years that I finally feel a kinship with young women like me.
This week I called K. I was driving in my car, and I felt so overwhelmed. Deadlines were coming so fast and I HATE missing deadlines. I was scared about my hospital appointment and I was scared that I wasn’t doing the right thing. So I asked her to pray for me.
She was driving too, but she prayed right there. Over the phone.
I cried while I drove, sadness and joy mixed in.
Because sometimes that is how life is.
Praise God for friends like that.