There are definitely some things in life I never saw myself doing. Being a teacher is one (who has the patience?!). Living at home till I was twenty-six is another. Getting on the almond milk bandwagon is yet another (everybody’s doing it, it’s fewer calories, and now I can eat more cheese).
The one that really stands out, though? Online dating.
After dating a few guys in college, going on a handful of random dates with no seconds, getting set up on a blind date and fingers-crossed this was the last first date I’d ever go on, I find myself fully immersed in the bizarre culture that is ONLINE DATING. I don’t think anyone envisions themselves online, trolling through profiles, swiping right, swiping left, liking, what-have-you, but so many people my age are doing it.
Which is good, because that makes the pool just a tad bigger.
Which is bad, because it means that there are hundreds of people on here and each one of them has different expectations, different assumptions, and different ways of expressing this thing called attraction.
For the girl who thought she’d only ever date one guy and then marry him, I have certainly become the expert — at least at the beginning stages. I know basically how interested to appear, how often to text, what topics of conversation to avoid and what topics bring out the side of me that’s just a tad too intense, or how lightly I should graze an arm on that first date.
What I don’t know is how to choose.
I don’t know how to be discerning enough ahead of time. I find myself sitting in a bar with a man I would never go out with had we met in real life. And so, I fill an hour, hour-and-a-half, with questions, just enough information on my end not to be a jerk, and wondering why I didn’t make plans for afterwards so I could make a smooth exit.
I have never been on so many dates with so many men in my life. I fear I am perfecting an art I never wanted to pursue.
As for the array of assumptions, they are vast but they are becoming predictable. There are two ends of the spectrum: the first one is not so shocking, given our current society’s views of dating and sex — a good number of guys are barely able to veil their main reason for asking me out, and I’m learning to let go of my naiveté and accept that we have different sexual ethics and bid them adieu.
The second, though, has surprised me a bit more, and left me feeling a little less sure of my own motives. There is a loneliness in the world that I have rarely observed in the people in my life. It is meeting me head-on, here, in this virtual world, and the deep loneliness reaches out from these men and grasps at me, hoping that I am the one to relieve them of their darkness.
A few have texted me daily even before we’ve met. Once we’ve met, they assume I want to jump into a serious relationship, that I am dating only them, that I am doing my best to be single for as short a time as possible, and that I want to hear trite, romantic bullshit as a symbol of their affection. There is almost nothing that turns me off faster than language that doesn’t convey its truth, and anyone who’s only been on one date with me has no business pretending to know who I am. Isn’t that what this game is, anyway? It feels sometimes like they have a list of bullet points in chronological order: 1. Text incessantly, 2. Find her on Facebook, 3. Find out where she is every evening, 4. Convince her that you are sincere, and 5. Try to get her to see you again and again, even after she has clearly stated she is not interested.
The thing is, I am under no illusions that I can just sit back and wait for an amazing man to walk into my life. I, also, need to learn how to express myself, my feelings, and my admiration in a way that is received and desired by the individual man I am interested in. I have a lot of work to do — learn how to engage people as other, independent creations who have valuable things to offer even if I don’t share all the same values, philosophies, or sense of humor.
Just as much, though, I need to learn how to be straightforward in saying no. In saying, It was nice meeting you. Thank you, but no thank you.
I wish they didn’t make it so difficult. I wish they didn’t make me actually say: “I am not interested in you.” I wish they could receive the truth in softer words, but sometimes (as I have experienced as well) it takes a blow to drive home the truth.
And the few I’ve liked, the few I’ve thought Huh, maybe…well, they haven’t felt the same way.
There’s got to be someone who falls somewhere between these two extremes. Someone whose pace falls in line with mine.
I hope to write a funnier post in the future, perhaps a list of Dos and Don’ts of online dating, or just a story or two (trust me, they’re hilarious…and a little terrifying). Right now, though, there isn’t much funny about the disconnection of human beings, the desire for love that doesn’t seem to get filled, or the fact that I am consistently bashing my head against a dark wooden bar because I had to go through the list of things I enjoy doing “in my free time” AGAIN.
4 Replies to “The Art of Dating”
This is a world I know absolutely nothing about, I am amazed at how you’ve not only summoned the courage and resilience to dive into it but you’ve emerged with more than cynicism and apathy. Bravo friend! This was a fascinating read.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on what dating-clueless married friends can do to encourage/support/beat back the loneliness of not-married friends. And of course, as you point out, loneliness is not simply remedied by entering a relationship. I know I feel it strong and often, but we are all bolstered when we can admit it to each other and share some dinner after, yeah? I’m sure there’s more I can be offering my single girlfriends, I’d love to hear your thoughts!
Julianne, I’d love to chat about this. Sometimes I think all it takes is listening to our stories and laughing when you can. But I know deep down there is more. Email or Skype at anytime!
Good post. I tried online dating a couple times but am not sure it’s for me. It could be for me in the future. I pray about it and do what the Spirit nudges me to do. So if I’m to try online dating again, I will 🙂 The last time I tried a dating site, it was many fake profilers or guys doing just what you said they would.. messaging often, acting as if we were already daying. I accepted dates with guys I would never say yes to “in real life”, and shouldn’t have been surprised when those didn’t work out. I hadn’t thought about what you brought up – about the depth of loneliness out there. Looking forward to more posts!
Hi there! Thanks for your thoughtful comment. It’s a strange thing to put yourself out there in this way, but I feel like I’m learning a lot – both about myself, but also about the world. Also glad to know I’m not the only one! And I agree: get off the online dating thing as soon as it becomes a chore. It should be fun! Or at least as fun as dating ever is 🙂